In the grip of the ocean

23 March 2016

In the grip of the ocean

You were not born like this. You were not born short of breath, terrified and overwhelmed.

You were not born with the thoughts of self-loathing and with your achy heart throbbing in the confining cage you've locked yourself into.

You were not born to observe the cruelty of your annihilation by your own hand.

You are not the tumultuous feelings that stab you in the middle of the night, nor are you the never ceasing thoughts that perpetuate your insomnia.

You are beautiful in your entirety.

Even with the darkness, that is woven into the fabric of your being.

Always question the confabulated stories of your limited thoughts. More often than not they don't tell the truth about your true essence.

You may only know a few stars of your constellation, but it would be too sad if you believed that that is all there is because there is a whole galaxy and then a universe all within you ever so expanding!

We all surf on the waves of life carrying pain, sadness, anger, apathy, all our failures, feelings of inadequacy, feelings of unworthiness.

These emotions come knocking from the inside, they stab your stomach and squeeze your throat making your breath shallow and when you lose attention they grab your mind twisting your thoughts to their favor. The thoughts that create fantastic stories exasperating the emotions making them stronger and everlasting.

Sometimes their rapids are so ferocious you can no longer hold yourself on the shore even though your grip is tight and your footing strong.

But you don't want to slip into the unpredictable waters you're scared of its waves and unfamiliarity beneath the surface. So you fight it like I have many times.

You try to run away from it, numb it and avoid the water. You wish for your last breath because you can't trust in your ability to swim in the rip current.

And so you go on kicking and screaming hurting yourself over and over again. And you hurt others too. Actions broke out of habit, and the darkness grows larger leaving more scars in its wake.

It all happens so fast leaving you alienated from yourself you no longer know why you do what you do. Your mindless reactions led you astray all for the fear of the deep waters.

But the fear cannot be taken away and certainly won't be by all the violence you put your body through.

You were not born to fight so hard.

Your bones aren't made to carry the heavy burden of despair. Your soul is not the widow of daylight who your mind whispers about to fill your weary heart with angst. The heart that beats faster than ever crushing your breastbone, suppressing your lungs. And although you're still holding on the shore, you're out of breath lapping for air already drowning.

Resisting is the delirium of our lives.

You deserve your love, care, and attention, not destruction!

Let go of the shore, surrender to the current.

The release beseech to be found stirring with urgency.

Swim through the emotions. Through the veins to the profoundest depth of your most authentic self. Explore the labyrinth and get to know all its pathways. Let the waves wash over you and through you, no longer holding back. Honour your feelings with acknowledgement, submerge and let your body float in stillness.

The faster you notice the waves coming, and the sooner you accept their crushing force, the sooner there will be a space for another wave perhaps this time of different nature.

Dive into it gracefully. Unbounded. Unsuppressed.

Eventually, you'll ascend.

Battered and bruised. Bewildered.

You were drowned and survived.

Your heart is exhausted but still beating over 100 000 beats a day and in every one of them is the possibility to drown and to reborn from the overwhelming ocean of emotions.

You are the most courageous when you let yourself feel it all.

Hold your heart with tenderness and offer it loving kindness when the rhythm of the beats changes its cadence.

Hug yourself tight because you are a hero for withstanding it all, diving in over and over, trusting the current surfing on the waves.

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  1. I love too much the part that says, "You may only know a few stars of your constellation, but it would be too sad if you believed that that is all there is because there is a whole galaxy and then a universe all within you ever so expanding!"

    Such beautiful words, thanks for sharing Iva :)

    Hoping as well that you've been doing well...enjoy.

    1. Hi Esther thank you for your kind words, they always brighten my day. ;)

      Life is busy, stressful and exciting... all well, hope you're having a wonderful time yourself.